When I awoke this morning I felt like I had awakened from a bad dream. Everything felt normal, as it once was. A few moments later I realized I'm still in that bad dream and that it is no dream at all. It's real. It sucks. And it's not fair.
A lot of things in life aren't fair: 9-11, the death of a loved one in war, an accident where one is either killed or maimed, a job promotion that was 'yours' but was given to someone less deserving because of company politics. I know you can think of a lot of examples and probably have experienced your share of unfair things.
What really irks me about this situation is that my husband is choosing this. It is not being forced upon him. It's not just happening to him. It isn't a random misfortune. He's choosing this. He knows better.
Today I am going to share some entries from my journal. The ugly truth of what pornography in a marriage is really like.
July 26
He said our relationship isn't real. That's why he says he looks at pornography so he can fantasize abut a relationship where there is actually good communication. I said they don't talk to you. He said he knows that, but he can fantasize how the relationship would be, the perfect relationship.
So, when he looks at the photos, not only do they have the perfect bodies, but he has the perfect relationship with them as well.
August 3
I prayed a lot today, everywhere I went. I prayed for the Lord to bless my husband, to encircle him in His arms. I prayed for the Lord to protect him and bless him. I experienced dark feelings. I was scared. I felt helpless. Each time I felt these, I prayed fervently for the Lord to take these feelings away. I prayed for hope and faith. I prayed to know what to do...I cried. I laughed.
August 6
I feel like I am going to lose it anytime now. I found out today he is now seeking other women online. I feel so stupid, so ugly. So nothing. I feel like a complete loser. A total flop. Of no worth. I'm living a total and complete nightmare. I'm scared. I'm depleted. I'm sick. I'm lost. I'm alone.
I know the Saviour is there. Where art thou? Can't you step in and stop my husband? Is he past feeling? Does he even care? This is so hard. It's worse than hard. It's deadening. It's depleting me. I'm empty. I'm lost. I feel such pain as I don't know I've ever felt.
Why is this such a big deal? Why can't I just sit back and watch and pray? It's devastating to my core being. We've had our share of problems like everyone. We've also had our ample share of wonderful times and memories.
This is knocking me out, big time. This is causing me to question everything I believe, everything I know. Where did I go wrong?
August 8
I feel like a total failure. A complete loser. How does my husband feel? Probably on top of the world. Excited. Mischievous. Like he's finally getting everything he's ever wanted. Why be stuck with me for the rest of your life when you can have it all? The perfect body, the perfect everything. There's nothing special about me. Nothing.
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So, there you have it. The raw, ugly truth.
The good news is, I have found my Saviour through all of this. I know I am of divine worth and that my worth comes from Him alone. It doesn't increase or diminish as a result of my husband's actions or choices. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, for the miracles i have witnessed, for the changes He has wrought in me.
Right now though I feel like I want to shake my husband and say 'wake up!' Or better yet, reenact the scene from Moonstruck where she slaps his face and says, "Snap out of it!" That's exactly how I feel right now. Enough already! Come back!
Noelle
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