None of My Business?

Why do I snoop?

I snoop for a couple of reasons.

1. I'm curious if my husband will stop looking at, commenting on, and downloading pictures he sees on facebook of women in sudcutive poses, little or no clothing, etc. when things are going well between us.  I wonder if what we experience together in a good way makes any difference.  It doesn't.  I keep hoping it will...so far it hasn't made one ounce of difference.
2. I'm curious if he is trying to hook up with other women via messages on facebook or in his email.  

Those are pretty much the two reasons I snoop.

What difference does it make what I find if I do nothing about it and continue to torture myself with his findings, with his downloads, with his messages, with his comments of perfection - oft times sexual in nature?

Why the hell does it bother me?

And if it does bother me so much (and most of the time in these past six and one half years it  has bothered me), WHY DO I STAY?

This is what he has told me:

1. He loves pornography.
2. He thinks of it as art.
3. No one is going to tell him what he can or can't watch.
4. He is never going to stop looking at it or commenting on it or saving it or having it in his life.
5. He defends it with his life.
6. He gets angry and defensive about it when I bring it up and ask him if he would consider stopping.

The big question is this:

•  Why do I think that what I want doesn't matter?  That what I want is inconsequential?  That I just have to accept it?  That when he says he is not committed to our marriage (unless a few things change on my part), why do I stay and accept that?

Is it the money or lack thereof on my part? 
Is it that I keep hoping he will change?
Am I looking the other way because there are so many other great things about him that discount the porn, flirting, comments, etc?

I had a meltdown this morning. A photo triggered me. It was taken yesterday at the State Fair. He showed it to me this morning and as I looked at it, all I saw was what I wasn't – a sex bomb with boobs hanging out. I didn't see the amazing woman I am, all I saw was what I wasn't.

I don't even want to be a sex bomb with boobs hanging out, unless it's in the bedroom.

But those are the pictures my husband comments on in Facebook. He says things like, “perfect, yummy, scrumptious, you're a dream, I'd be in trouble if you lived in my town, etc.”

So when I saw this photo of us I knew he wouldn't be complimenting me, at least not like he does on so many women's photos.

I picked up my journal and began writing in it, then I began throwing it and screaming how ugly I am. I kept picking it up and throwing it down. Then I curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor and sobbed. He came over to me and asked what was wrong. He held me and told me I am beautiful and that I am not ugly.  He asked what I saw in that picture that caused my meltdown; what I was seeing that didn't see or notice.  I explained it to him.  He began telling me that this was a kick around picture, not a modeling picture.  He tried to make me see the reality of the situation and tried to help me feel better.

Why do I torture myself? I am torturing myself living in this world where I love him but tolerate his flirting and comments to other women. I look the other way and pretend it doesn't matter. But when I look at myself and in my mind I am comparing myself to all of these airbrushed women... that is torture.

The truth is, I am grateful I am me. I love how I look. I love who I am. I feel I have so much to offer others via my writing and my music and my health journey. But what I find is I get wrapped up emotionally in all of this crap and feel I don't have anything to offer.

That is a lie, and I know it.

It is amazing to me how many lives are affected by pornography.  How many women suffer in silence.  Why silence?  Because we are concerned about confidentiality and trust.  We are concerned how members of our family will react.  How they will view our husbands.  Our choices.

I have come to realize that the viewing of pornography by my husband is not about me.  It was a choice he made when life was falling apart all around us and he felt hopeless; when he felt he didn't really matter to the family; when he felt judged by everyone at church and in the community.  After all, our lives were spiraling out of control while others' seemed to have all of their ducks in a row. His viewing began as a way out.  A relief from all of the pressure.

Like the person who begins drinking.  Or taking drugs.  Or smoking. Or overeating.

And yet, why does it feel it is all about me, and what I'm not or what I am lacking.

Count Your Many Blessings

One of my favorite hymns during my childhood, 'Count Your Many Blessings,' continues to be a favorite of mine to this day.  The appeal of this hymn when I was younger was most likely the catchy tune and easily remembered lyrics of the chorus.  

However, as I have lived and embraced life, these lyrics have become at times a  soothing balm, and always a gentle reminder.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by. 

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end. 

Counting our blessings is one of the most splendid exercises that lifts us out of despair and into the light.   Smiles replace frowns, tears of joy replace tears of sorrow, and our countenances and outlook become brighter.  We become happier, kinder, and more loving.  Our steps become lighter.  We begin to sing.  And laugh. 

The ability  to express gratitude is one of the best gifts God has given to me, not only during this chapter of my life, but throughout my entire journey.  


With hope and gratitude, 


Noelle

 

Crossroads

I'm staring at this blank slate, wanting desperately to write something - anything - that could possibly describe these last several weeks of my journey.   I have written volumes in my private journals and somehow want to convey some of my thoughts to you.

I fear that may not be at all possible, but will try my best.

My husband and I are at a crossroads. We are deciding our future and what that will look like.  We have been able to be completely honest in our feelings.  There have been many tears and many heartfelt moments.   We love each other and are trying to decide which path to take.  

I recently decided to let him go until he figures things out. I'm not certain that is the right answer anymore...

There have been times in these last couple of days where I have almost suffocated from the pain and agony I have felt because of the overwhelming grief I have felt.  We have held each other and sobbed in one another's arms.  My only relief has come as I have turned to the words of our Saviour and prophets in the scriptures.  I have cried to the Lord seeking relief and answers and each time have found them when I have opened up His book  and studied His words.

I mentioned yesterday that it might help if we each write down everything we desire to have in our marriage and he agreed. I told him I believe in miracles and that it is never too late.  We just have to start somewhere, where we are right now, and go from there.  I look forward to doing that in the next couple of days with him.

I have spent a lot of time with our children enjoying fun and simple outings and moments with them.  They are all aware of what is going on, even though we have tried to shield them from it.  About two weeks ago something was discovered by one of them that led to an open conversation about everything. 

The only thing I am sure of in any of this is that as I live close to the Saviour, I will continue to receive impressions, and when acted upon, I will be exactly where He wants us to be.  I have mentioned that before and I truly believe it.  I sometimes do not know why I have been impressed to do certain things, but once I act upon them it becomes clear - sometimes, not always.  Sometimes it doesn't become clear until much later.  That is where faith and obedience come in.

Seeking joy amidst the deep sadness,

Noelle

 

Baby Steps

It has been awhile since my last post.  I suppose I could easily blame circumstances.  But the truth is, I feel almost like a hypocrite of sorts.  I have had a few hard weeks and as such feel as if I am not living up to the pillar of strength some of my posts portray me to be.   Could it be I feel I am falling short of my own expectations and therefore wonder how I can possibly be helping anyone else in a similar situation?

There are still days when I can barely function, when all I want to do is sleep.  There are still days when I am on the verge of tears 24 hours a day.  There are still days when I wonder how this is all going to turn out and wonder how I will make it through in the meantime.

Then there are days when life feels better than ever, when I am optimistic, when I seek out others who need a helping hand, when I laugh with my family, when I engage in worthwhile activities, when I look forward with faith.

I began examining what it is that makes the days so dramatically different.  What am I doing or not doing that causes me to feel or act a certain way?  The constant activities in all of this are that I am praying, as well as reading and studying the scriptures and other uplifting books.  I continue to pray with my children and discuss gospel principles with them.  I attend church.  I serve.  Aren't these enough?  Shouldn't they be enough?

So then,  what is it?  I believe it has something to do with the uncertainty of it all.  Oh, I realize there is uncertainty in our lives everyday and that we have no promise of tomorrow.  But in that uncertainty, there are routines we can count on that help keep us stable and firm rooted.  Perhaps that is where I need to focus my attention - on the routines in my life.  The basic daily routines, and I mean basic.   Things like washing my face and putting on makeup, even when I really don't want to.   

As I am writing this I realize this is a topic we discussed in therapy.  Okay, I let the 'T' word out of the bag.  Actually, I have been planning on writing about it.  This is the first time in my life I have sought therapy and I must admit, if I knew it was going to be what it is, I would have sought it out years ago! 

So the basic routines of getting up, fixing breakfast and lunches, tidying, getting myself ready, exercising, etc. are probably going to help me the most right now, in addition to the constants I have already mentioned.  

Baby steps.

I must remember that God is not the author of confusion.   Or doubt.  Or worry.  Or discouragement.  Or depression.

He is the author of love.  Happiness.  Joy.  Faith.  Hope.  He wants me to be happy, especially when life is difficult.  He wants me to thrive, not just survive.  

This chapter may be a difficult one, but He isn't finished with it yet. 

Noelle

The Master's Touch

The feelings I expressed in my last post, although very real, are appearing less and less in my journey.  Thankfully.   When I read journal entries like the ones I shared, I remember experiencing the exquisite pain, the loneliness, the despair, the feelings of no worth.  But the feelings which were debilitating are no longer there.   The Saviour has taken them away.  I remember them, but I no longer feel them... as often.  I still feel sadness.  I am still grieving our relationship.  I still feel heartbroken at times.  I still weep sometimes.  

I do realize that my husband, although it was his choice in the beginning to view pornography, has now become a puppet of sorts to this pornography and sex addiction.  That one choice,  out of curiosity, has made him a slave and prisoner.

The only way out is the Saviour.   And I know that one day my husband will reach out and take His hand and let Him heal him.

I pray daily for my husband.  For me.  For our family.  

I know that as I continue to follow the promptings of the Spirit, am obedient, repentant, and do my best to live the life of a true follower of Christ, I will be exactly where my Heavenly Father and Saviour want me to be.

Where they want us to be.

Continuing in faith and hope...and joy.

Noelle