Motes and Beams

One of the most challenging aspects of this journey has been learning how to take the focus off of my husband's activities and being able to concentrate and put my time and effort toward worthwhile projects, such as living, growing, becoming, taking care of the family, and loving.  I suppose this would be akin to what the Lord was referring to in Matthew 7:3-5 when he declared:

• :3  And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
• :4  Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
• :5  Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

Because of the nature of pornography, it not only greatly affects the one consumed by it, but the spouse as well.  On the one hand, the one delving into pornography is consumed by the lusts of the eyes and mind, the thrill, the secrecy.   The spouse on the other hand, is consumed with feelings of doubt, worry, loss of self worth, betrayal, discouragement, anguish, agony, despair, and depression.  The adversary and his followers seem to work overtime, whispering to us all sorts of lies which we readily accept and believe.

One day along my journey I discovered that not only was my husband delving deeper into pornography, but he had also placed his profiles on numerous singles sites.    That left me numb.  I felt like an absolute 'nothing'.  I walked around in a daze.  I was living a nightmare. 

I wondered, "Lord, is it I?"  I began furiously inspecting my past actions and words under my mind's microscope to see if I could have done anything differently that could have prevented my husband from embarking on this path.  Day and night I would pour over my memories and make mental check marks next to the ones I felt certain, had I acted in a different way or said something differently,  would have prevented him from making the choices he was making.

I was so consumed with discovering, knowing,  searching, and questioning that  I could scarcely reflect on anything else.  The more I searched, the more I uncovered.  The more I uncovered, the more depressed and aloof I became.  I didn't know how to 'be'.  I was reeling in the aftermath of my discoveries, feeling terribly alone.  I felt rejected by the one person I had given my life, heart, and love to; the one I had always confided in and shared things with; the one whose comfort I so relied on during times of sorrow. I was grieving our marriage.  I was grieving our relationship.  Yet I found no comfort for these feelings in the usual arms of my love, for he could not truly comprehend what I was experiencing.  I felt completely alone.


Until I found the arms of my Saviour.

Sexual addiction in  marriage rocks the foundation of that marriage.  It is as if a knife has  pierced the very core of the relationship.  Something that was meant to be shared by only you and your spouse is now being shared with many other nameless and anonymous women.  It feels like the ultimate betrayal.  

For me, that is why it is so extraordinarily challenging not to reflect on it constantly.  Our marriage has been redefined and altered without my input.   Our  intimate dance is no longer ours alone.

So the question becomes, when I am consumed with thoughts about what my husband is doing, am I concentrating more on the mote in his eye and not considering the beam in my own eye?  What is the driving force behind my actions?  Is it that I am trying to change him?  Is it that I am trying to understand him?  What is it exactly I am seeking? 

The danger is in becoming self righteous.  When I have so many faults and sins of my own, focusing so much time and energy on what my husband may or may not be doing diverts attention and energy away from my own short comings.  It becomes easy to point the finger and make him wrong instead of concentrating on my own sins and  changing and refining myself. 

My husband reminded me tonight that I can't save or change him.  And he's absolutely right.   The only person I can change is myself.  

Actually, the only One who ultimately changes us is the Saviour.  With Him, all things are possible.  He is able to soften and heal our broken hearts.  He can  make our backs and shoulders strong to be able to bear the burdens in our lives.  He can change our circumstances for the better.  He alone knows the pain my husband is feeling, the pain I am feeling.  He can repair damaged relationships and make them stronger than they ever were.

He is the reason I continue to have hope.

Noelle