The Master's Touch

The feelings I expressed in my last post, although very real, are appearing less and less in my journey.  Thankfully.   When I read journal entries like the ones I shared, I remember experiencing the exquisite pain, the loneliness, the despair, the feelings of no worth.  But the feelings which were debilitating are no longer there.   The Saviour has taken them away.  I remember them, but I no longer feel them... as often.  I still feel sadness.  I am still grieving our relationship.  I still feel heartbroken at times.  I still weep sometimes.  

I do realize that my husband, although it was his choice in the beginning to view pornography, has now become a puppet of sorts to this pornography and sex addiction.  That one choice,  out of curiosity, has made him a slave and prisoner.

The only way out is the Saviour.   And I know that one day my husband will reach out and take His hand and let Him heal him.

I pray daily for my husband.  For me.  For our family.  

I know that as I continue to follow the promptings of the Spirit, am obedient, repentant, and do my best to live the life of a true follower of Christ, I will be exactly where my Heavenly Father and Saviour want me to be.

Where they want us to be.

Continuing in faith and hope...and joy.

Noelle

The Ugly Truth

When I awoke this morning I felt like I had awakened from a bad dream.  Everything felt normal, as it once was.  A few moments later I realized I'm still in that bad dream and that it is no dream at all.  It's real.  It sucks.  And it's not fair.  

A lot of things in life aren't fair: 9-11, the death of a loved one in war, an accident where one is either killed or maimed, a job promotion that was 'yours' but was given to someone less deserving because of company politics.  I know you can think of a lot of examples and probably have experienced your share of unfair things.

What really irks me about this situation is that my  husband is choosing this.  It is not being forced upon him.   It's not just happening to him.  It isn't a random misfortune.   He's choosing this. He knows better.  

Today I am going to share some entries from my journal.   The ugly truth of what pornography in a marriage is really like.

July 26

He said our relationship isn't real.  That's why he says he looks at pornography so he can fantasize abut a relationship where there is actually good communication.  I said they don't talk to you.  He said he knows that, but he can fantasize how the relationship would be, the perfect relationship.

So, when he looks at the photos, not only do they have the perfect bodies, but he has the perfect relationship with them as well.

August 3

I prayed a lot today, everywhere I went.  I prayed for the Lord to bless my  husband, to encircle him in His arms.  I prayed for the Lord to protect him and bless him. I experienced dark feelings.  I was scared.  I felt helpless.  Each time I felt these, I prayed fervently for the Lord to take these feelings away.   I prayed for hope and faith.  I prayed to know what to do...I cried.  I laughed. 

August 6

I feel like I am going to lose it anytime now.  I found out today he is now seeking other women online.  I feel so stupid, so ugly.  So nothing.  I feel like a complete loser.  A total flop.  Of no worth. I'm living a total and complete nightmare.  I'm scared.  I'm depleted.  I'm sick.  I'm lost.  I'm alone.  

I know the Saviour is there.  Where art thou?  Can't you step in and stop my husband?  Is he past feeling?  Does he even care? This is so hard.  It's worse than hard.  It's deadening.  It's depleting me.  I'm empty.  I'm lost.  I feel such pain as I don't know I've ever felt.

Why is this such a big deal?  Why can't I just sit back and watch and pray?  It's devastating to my core being.  We've  had our share of problems like everyone.  We've also had our ample share of wonderful times and memories. 

This is knocking me out, big time.  This is causing me to question everything I believe, everything I know.   Where did I go wrong?

August 8

I feel like a total failure.  A complete loser.  How does my  husband feel?  Probably on top of the world.  Excited.  Mischievous.  Like he's finally getting everything he's ever wanted.  Why be stuck with me for the rest of your life when you can have it all?  The perfect body, the perfect everything.  There's nothing special about me.  Nothing.

                                               ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` `

So, there you have it.  The raw, ugly truth.

The good news is, I have found my Saviour through all of this.  I know I am of divine worth and that my worth comes from Him alone.  It doesn't increase or diminish as a result of my husband's actions or choices.  I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, for the miracles i have witnessed, for the changes He has wrought in me.

Right now though I feel like I want to shake my husband and say 'wake up!'  Or better yet, reenact the scene from Moonstruck where she slaps his face and says, "Snap out of it!"  That's exactly how I feel right now.  Enough already!  Come back!

Noelle

Seasons

Life offers many seasons as we know.  Learning to accept, enjoy, and thrive in the season we are in can sometimes be a challenge.  However, once we embrace the beauty and uniquness of the season we are currently experiencing,  our lives become richer and more meaningful.  

The only time we really have is the present.  Learning from the past and planning for the future is  important.  But dwelling on the past and wishing for the future (if only this, if only that, when I'm this, when I have that...) only brings stress, worry, and dissatisfaction.   So, learning to not only accept but embrace the present frees us to experience all that the Lord wants to send our way.  We can be present and focused on our family, our relationships, the whisperings of the spirit, answers to our prayers, promptings we receive.  We can experience peace amidst the confusion.

The season I am in right now, as challenging as it is,  is actually turning out to be a glorious season of unexpected joys and growth.   Seeing others as the Lord sees them is unquestionably one of the greatest gifts I have received during this journey.  In this case, seeing my husband as the Lord sees him is allowing me to show forth greater love, greater patience, and greater understanding.   I love him more now than I ever have.

I'm not certain when it happened, when the Lord bestowed this gift upon me, this tender mercy, this answer to my prayers.  But I am so thankful  He did, for it has made all the difference. 

Noelle

Teardrops

Tears are an incredible creation by our loving Creator.

Many have spilled from my eyes today, have moistened my pillow, have stained my cheeks.

Today I realized how thankful I am for them.

Hope through the tears...

Noelle

Motes and Beams

One of the most challenging aspects of this journey has been learning how to take the focus off of my husband's activities and being able to concentrate and put my time and effort toward worthwhile projects, such as living, growing, becoming, taking care of the family, and loving.  I suppose this would be akin to what the Lord was referring to in Matthew 7:3-5 when he declared:

• :3  And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
• :4  Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
• :5  Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

Because of the nature of pornography, it not only greatly affects the one consumed by it, but the spouse as well.  On the one hand, the one delving into pornography is consumed by the lusts of the eyes and mind, the thrill, the secrecy.   The spouse on the other hand, is consumed with feelings of doubt, worry, loss of self worth, betrayal, discouragement, anguish, agony, despair, and depression.  The adversary and his followers seem to work overtime, whispering to us all sorts of lies which we readily accept and believe.

One day along my journey I discovered that not only was my husband delving deeper into pornography, but he had also placed his profiles on numerous singles sites.    That left me numb.  I felt like an absolute 'nothing'.  I walked around in a daze.  I was living a nightmare. 

I wondered, "Lord, is it I?"  I began furiously inspecting my past actions and words under my mind's microscope to see if I could have done anything differently that could have prevented my husband from embarking on this path.  Day and night I would pour over my memories and make mental check marks next to the ones I felt certain, had I acted in a different way or said something differently,  would have prevented him from making the choices he was making.

I was so consumed with discovering, knowing,  searching, and questioning that  I could scarcely reflect on anything else.  The more I searched, the more I uncovered.  The more I uncovered, the more depressed and aloof I became.  I didn't know how to 'be'.  I was reeling in the aftermath of my discoveries, feeling terribly alone.  I felt rejected by the one person I had given my life, heart, and love to; the one I had always confided in and shared things with; the one whose comfort I so relied on during times of sorrow. I was grieving our marriage.  I was grieving our relationship.  Yet I found no comfort for these feelings in the usual arms of my love, for he could not truly comprehend what I was experiencing.  I felt completely alone.


Until I found the arms of my Saviour.

Sexual addiction in  marriage rocks the foundation of that marriage.  It is as if a knife has  pierced the very core of the relationship.  Something that was meant to be shared by only you and your spouse is now being shared with many other nameless and anonymous women.  It feels like the ultimate betrayal.  

For me, that is why it is so extraordinarily challenging not to reflect on it constantly.  Our marriage has been redefined and altered without my input.   Our  intimate dance is no longer ours alone.

So the question becomes, when I am consumed with thoughts about what my husband is doing, am I concentrating more on the mote in his eye and not considering the beam in my own eye?  What is the driving force behind my actions?  Is it that I am trying to change him?  Is it that I am trying to understand him?  What is it exactly I am seeking? 

The danger is in becoming self righteous.  When I have so many faults and sins of my own, focusing so much time and energy on what my husband may or may not be doing diverts attention and energy away from my own short comings.  It becomes easy to point the finger and make him wrong instead of concentrating on my own sins and  changing and refining myself. 

My husband reminded me tonight that I can't save or change him.  And he's absolutely right.   The only person I can change is myself.  

Actually, the only One who ultimately changes us is the Saviour.  With Him, all things are possible.  He is able to soften and heal our broken hearts.  He can  make our backs and shoulders strong to be able to bear the burdens in our lives.  He can change our circumstances for the better.  He alone knows the pain my husband is feeling, the pain I am feeling.  He can repair damaged relationships and make them stronger than they ever were.

He is the reason I continue to have hope.

Noelle

Fiery Darts

I am realizing that the 'fiery darts of Satan' spoken of in the scriptures are very real.  He is out to destroy us and will get to us however he can.  For me those darts come as whisperings piercing my heart and mind with negative thoughts about my worth.

I have always known that I am a daughter of God and of great worth, but always believing it has been a challenge for me.  When pornography entered our lives, it cut deep into my vision of my worth as a woman.  How could my husband look elsewhere if I were enough?  What is wrong with me?  What can I change about myself so that he won't have to look at other women? 

Then the fiery darts started flying at me, one after the other, affecting every waking moment of every day.  'You're not pretty enough'  'You're too fat'  'What is wrong with you that you can't even keep your husband satisfied?'  'What a loser you are' ...  I believed those whisperings more than I believed my worth.  Afterall, the evidence was staring me right in the face, wasn't it?

 I know that no one can give or take away our worth.  It comes from our Father in Heaven, for we are His children.  It took a very long time for me to really, really believe that.   I have learned that putting on the armor of God and checking it often to make sure there are no cracks in it is the only way to deflect those fiery darts.

First, recognizing the whisperings of the adversary is key, for then we are able to fortify ourselves.  How do we do that?  By filling our minds with the words of the Saviour.  By filling our minds with goodness.   By always having a prayer in our hearts.  Be being grateful.  By meditating and pondering. 

I realize this sounds so 'easy' and so simple.  There have been many days where I have been unable to function due to the paralyzing effects of the  pornography that has entered my life.  The pain is so deep, so agonizing.  It tears your heart apart.  One wonders what the meaning of life is and if it's worth going on.   

When I have  felt these feelings, the only place I could go was to my Saviour.  He is the only One who can truly Heal me.  He is the only One who truly knows of my deep pain and anguish.  Turning to Him has given me the strength to put one foot in front of the other.  To smile on the outside when I am dying on the inside.  To make dinner when all I want to do is curl up in a corner and weep.  To see my husband as He sees him. 

To have hope.


Noelle

One Day at at Time

Some days I feel on top of the world and am full of hope.  Other days I feel lost, as if I'm stuck in limbo with the world swirling all around me.  Today has been one of those days.

I know Satan is attacking the family through the fathers with pornography.  Fathers, then wives, then the children.  The domino affect is hideous and so damaging.

When I am feeling this way, I am not completely present with my children.  I sometimes hear and see them but nothing registers because I am so preoccupied with the shattering effects the pornography is having on my relationship with my husband.  

Fortunately I have moved beyond comparing myself with the women my husband is looking at.  It took a very long time for me to get to that place, a very long time.   It's our relationship I'm grieving.   Where is it exactly?  Where do I fit in?  Where do I belong?  What do I do?

With the Lord's help I am moving through this and stepping into the light of faith and hope.   He is healing me.  Instead of wondering 'Why me?'  I try to focus on what I can learn from this and what type of woman  I can become.

Today was a hard day...

Noelle

Discovery

I can still remember the day I discovered my husband had a problem, the day I accidentally discovered a stash of photos my husband had hidden on our computer. As we sat side by side trying to figure some things out, he on one computer and I on another one adjacent to his, with the click of the mouse picture after picture appeared on my screen.

After gasping, I quickly exited out of that page and searched my husband's face for an answer. The expression on his face said it all, they were his photos. I was shocked, horrified, and hurt. He said he was saving them for me so I could see the kinds of sexy poses he liked. I said they're not for me, they're for you. He exclaimed he couldn't go the rest of his life without looking at some skin and wanted to have a private place where he could see them. He got angry and blamed me. I wanted to shrivel up and die.

This revelation came out of nowhere. I felt as if I had been hit by a truck.

We had always enjoyed a wonderful intimate, physical relationship and even commented to one another how lucky we felt to have such a relationship, as we had heard of many other couples who were lacking in this area. 

That day began the journey I am currently on: Stepping into the Light. My husband is on a journey as well, yet his journey is taking him elsewhere. I have hope our two paths will connect once again and we will be stronger, together. In the meantime, I am searching for and discovering answers to help and comfort me.

I look forward to sharing my experiences and discoveries with you in the hope that, in the very least, you will know you are not alone, and that there is peace awaiting you.

Noelle