I'm staring at this blank slate, wanting desperately to write something - anything - that could possibly describe these last several weeks of my journey. I have written volumes in my private journals and somehow want to convey some of my thoughts to you.
I fear that may not be at all possible, but will try my best.
My husband and I are at a crossroads. We are deciding our future and what that will look like. We have been able to be completely honest in our feelings. There have been many tears and many heartfelt moments. We love each other and are trying to decide which path to take.
I recently decided to let him go until he figures things out. I'm not certain that is the right answer anymore...
There have been times in these last couple of days where I have almost suffocated from the pain and agony I have felt because of the overwhelming grief I have felt. We have held each other and sobbed in one another's arms. My only relief has come as I have turned to the words of our Saviour and prophets in the scriptures. I have cried to the Lord seeking relief and answers and each time have found them when I have opened up His book and studied His words.
I mentioned yesterday that it might help if we each write down everything we desire to have in our marriage and he agreed. I told him I believe in miracles and that it is never too late. We just have to start somewhere, where we are right now, and go from there. I look forward to doing that in the next couple of days with him.
I have spent a lot of time with our children enjoying fun and simple outings and moments with them. They are all aware of what is going on, even though we have tried to shield them from it. About two weeks ago something was discovered by one of them that led to an open conversation about everything.
The only thing I am sure of in any of this is that as I live close to the Saviour, I will continue to receive impressions, and when acted upon, I will be exactly where He wants us to be. I have mentioned that before and I truly believe it. I sometimes do not know why I have been impressed to do certain things, but once I act upon them it becomes clear - sometimes, not always. Sometimes it doesn't become clear until much later. That is where faith and obedience come in.
Seeking joy amidst the deep sadness,
Noelle
