It has been awhile since my last post. I suppose I could easily blame circumstances. But the truth is, I feel almost like a hypocrite of sorts. I have had a few hard weeks and as such feel as if I am not living up to the pillar of strength some of my posts portray me to be. Could it be I feel I am falling short of my own expectations and therefore wonder how I can possibly be helping anyone else in a similar situation?
There are still days when I can barely function, when all I want to do is sleep. There are still days when I am on the verge of tears 24 hours a day. There are still days when I wonder how this is all going to turn out and wonder how I will make it through in the meantime.
Then there are days when life feels better than ever, when I am optimistic, when I seek out others who need a helping hand, when I laugh with my family, when I engage in worthwhile activities, when I look forward with faith.
I began examining what it is that makes the days so dramatically different. What am I doing or not doing that causes me to feel or act a certain way? The constant activities in all of this are that I am praying, as well as reading and studying the scriptures and other uplifting books. I continue to pray with my children and discuss gospel principles with them. I attend church. I serve. Aren't these enough? Shouldn't they be enough?
So then, what is it? I believe it has something to do with the uncertainty of it all. Oh, I realize there is uncertainty in our lives everyday and that we have no promise of tomorrow. But in that uncertainty, there are routines we can count on that help keep us stable and firm rooted. Perhaps that is where I need to focus my attention - on the routines in my life. The basic daily routines, and I mean basic. Things like washing my face and putting on makeup, even when I really don't want to.
As I am writing this I realize this is a topic we discussed in therapy. Okay, I let the 'T' word out of the bag. Actually, I have been planning on writing about it. This is the first time in my life I have sought therapy and I must admit, if I knew it was going to be what it is, I would have sought it out years ago!
So the basic routines of getting up, fixing breakfast and lunches, tidying, getting myself ready, exercising, etc. are probably going to help me the most right now, in addition to the constants I have already mentioned.
Baby steps.
I must remember that God is not the author of confusion. Or doubt. Or worry. Or discouragement. Or depression.
He is the author of love. Happiness. Joy. Faith. Hope. He wants me to be happy, especially when life is difficult. He wants me to thrive, not just survive.
This chapter may be a difficult one, but He isn't finished with it yet.
Noelle
